Transition

You know it’s a time of transition in your life when uncertainty abounds, the future feels like it’s literally hanging in the balance, and you actually ARE living one day at a time. The things you’ve talked about so long, knowing that eventually they would come to pass ARE coming to pass…any minute now. Really. It’s scary. Relationships are tough. There’ s tension and conflict and unmet expectations. You want to avoid it all, want to hide away where you feel safe, in the comfort of answered questions and a secure future.

At least that’s how I feel right now.

Change is never easy for me. But I’m learning that change is even harder for me when it affects those I love the most. At least when there’s change in my life, I can take ownership of it – I have to deal with my emotions, make plans, take charge…basically, make my best attempt to control the situation. But when there’s change in his life, I feel powerless to do anything…except listen, love, and affirm. But I also have to deal with myself, my own worries – both the “normal” ones, as well as the ridiculous anxieties that I can’t seem to escape and that rear their ugly heads even uglier in times like these. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be the support he needs, the rock to lean on because my own fears and weaknesses reduce me to a heap of useless sand.

So in these moments, I realize that I wasn’t designed to understand it all, or have it all figured out. It’s okay that the next step is fuzzy, and the timeline is unclear. Any vague concept of a five-year plan – or one-year plan, at that – can go to hell, as maybe this is really what living is about. The moment. The uncertainty. The waiting. The daily. The trust. The faith.