What I'm Learning Lately

Life looks and feels much better after a good night's sleep. (Conversely, everything looks and feels much worse after a scant two hours of sleep.)

Sunshine makes everything better, too.

Oh, and a little diphenhydramine never hurt anyone.

I actually have the ability to lose my appetite. (I used to think my love for food would never allow this phenomenon.)

But farro is still so yummy. It's the "new quinoa"...at least in my pantry.

I can make decisions...and stick with them.

Having a job to go to every day is a sweet, welcome blessing. Having a job that I enjoy is a bonus.

Post-Labor Day traffic in Northern Virginia is the worst. (Where did all of these people come from?)

Facebook is evil.

I love to run. It is my sanity.

My parents are the best. Their love for me is as Christlike as mortal love can be.

Scripture is my daily bread. (Psalms 27, 29, and 30 are current meditations.)

This too shall pass.

God is worthy of my praise always, regardless of my circumstances or feelings.

He makes beautiful things out of the dust. He makes beautiful things out of us.

What are you learning lately?

On Doing What I Want

Some people have no problem saying "no." Or saying "yes." They do what they want.

Some people can't say "no." Or they say what they think others want them to say, and then back out at the last minute because they're overcommitted. I've fallen into this category before.

Some people weigh every decision they have to make with the utmost care, afraid to make a choice that will offend or anger someone, but very aware of their true feelings on the matter, which (often) may directly oppose the assumed expectations of the other(s). I fall into this category every day of my life. Welcome to my head; it's a scary place to be.

It's no secret that I'm a people pleaser. Always have been, always will be. I'm also a perfectionist. In kindergarten I still remember an incorrectly circled picture on a worksheet—the only answer I got wrong all year. Yes, I'm aware that I have "issues."

And I'm controlling, but this is something I'm working on. (I believe people can change, and I've seen some measurable progress in myself in this area.) My favorite person to control is me. I'm fantastic at controlling what I eat and drink, how much I exercise, and how meticulously clean I keep my house. The problem is, it takes a lot of mental and physical energy and time to be controlling. So when people pose requests that don't fit within my well-planned weekly routine or perfectly crafted daily schedule, an internal dialogue ensues in which I must decide between saying "yes" to my own carefully calculated desires, comforts, and needs or saying "yes" to the other person whom I so desperately want to please. (Again, welcome to my head.)

(I realize that if I have children, I will receive a crash course on letting go of personal control. Hopefully I will not project said control onto my kids. But let's be honest, they'll probably be in therapy for years.)

Usually I maintain a decent balance of doing what other people ask/expect of me, and doing what I want. Sometimes I ignore what I want in place of pleasing others. Rarely do I say "no" to someone in lieu of making myself happy...until recently.

Lately, I've felt like doing whatever the hell I want. And I'm not caring what others think—as much. It's a weird feeling, I must admit. A new phenomenon. And I think I'm gonna roll with it for now...

No, I don't want to go to the movies with you, even though that would make you happy. Instead, I want to sit on my couch with a glass of wine and read my Marian Keyes novel. No, I don't want to run that race for the third year in a row. I don't care that we'll wear glow-in-the-dark tutus and do post-run tequila shots, or that it will be "such a blast!" No, I can't travel out of town that weekend. It just won't work for me, my impending freelance project deadline, or my wallet.

Maybe I'm merely feeling a bit antisocial these days, and this mood shall pass. Maybe I'm making wise choices and protecting my time, my finances, and my "margins." Maybe these are all just lame cop-outs, and I really need to get out of my comfort zone, stop being self-indulgent, and start saying "yes." But for now, I really don't care. I'm gonna do what I want and will try not to make excuses.

How He Loves Us

How He Loves has been on repeat for the past few weeks because a dear friend sent me a surprise care package that contained a mixed CD with 13 life-giving songs (as well as Scripture and chocolate, also life-giving. :)). She knows what I need and she knows what I like. Fifteen years of friendship will do that.

As I was driving to visit my family in Pennsylvania last weekend, belting out the lyrics and buzzing from my Starbuck's grande bold, I had a moment of incredible clarity and overwhelming thankfulness about how I have tangibly experienced God's love in my life during the past few weeks—through relationship.

You see, I have the best family and friends. Truly, the best. They are full of sincere generosity, intentional thoughtfulness, undying compassion, and abundant wisdom. I do not deserve them. I thank God for showing me His love in small, huge, sweet, extravagant, and powerful ways through them.

She calls me every day just to talk. To check in. To hear my voice and so I can hear hers. To tell me what she ate for lunch, share stories about her crazy co-workers, and update me on her thriving social life. She is my soul sister. :)

One friend recently lent her "jack-of-all-trades" hubby not once, but three times, to offer his expertise with some house issues. She texts me regularly to share the moments that comprise daily living.

Another stopped by on a random weeknight with supplies for rossinis. We camped out on my couch and talked all night long—about good sweat sessions, about the tough stuff life relentlessly throws at us, about love.

She offers her home—mere miles from our office—as a place to crash after a night out, when my A/C was busted, or "just because." We've shared many a pepperoni/banana pepper/crispy shallot pizza and bottle of Chianti and never run short of conversation or laughter.

Last weekend I spent an evening with these two, whom I've known since I was 13. They are some of the wisest women in my life, know me better than most people, and never fail to make me laugh until my stomach hurts.

My sister, one of the busiest women I know, used her weekend off (she only gets one or two a month) to drive through the armpit of the DMV and visit me. We enjoyed two beautiful days of sweet, quality sister time. She is my rock, she is my inspiration, she is part of me.

Although I am nearly 30, my parents continue to be steadfast, nurturing, provisional forces in my life. It's like I know everything will be OK after hearing their voices say "Annie" or "Punk." They are my safe haven, my home. I can be utterly real and honest with them knowing they will listen and love me no matter what, but also tell me the hard truth and ask me the tough questions.

To me these friendships are gifts from a God who allows me to experience his goodness through relationship. I am at a loss for words when I catch a glimpse of understanding about how much he loves me and how rich my life is because of these people.

Thank you.

Forgiveness

Guess what I did yesterday?

I WENT TO CHURCH.

I haven't been to a church since Christmas Eve...wait, no, I don't think I went to church last Christmas. I was too tired after baking dozens of Kris Kringles and drinking glasses of red wine. Both of which, by the way, are very spiritual experiences. (I'm not kidding.) And last Easter I was walking the streets of NYC with the fam, so I didn't go then, either. So I can't even call myself a ChrEaster Christian! (Good.)

In the spirit of setting personal goals, doing things for myself, and ridding my life of anxiety, during the next few weeks I'm church shopping. Just to try it on for size again, so to speak. And yesterday I was a Presbo for a day! Er, an hour.

I went to a local PCUSA church. Growing up in Pentecostal/Evangelical church circles, I must say that the worship at this church was a little tame. And I even attended the "contemporary" service! There were no raised hands, no closed eyes, no waving flags (thank God for that). But a few of the songs were good and meaty, with words I could recite with conviction and lyrics I could sing heartily to my God. And that's really what worship is all about for me. (Although I'm definitely an expressive one...just not into the flags, is all.)

After "meet and greet" time (does anyone else inwardly groan when told to greet your neighbor?), the pastor delivered his sermon. And something funny happened. I had one of "those" experiences, when the pastor's message was exactly what I needed to hear. I've heard about such experiences from others before, but I can't recall if they've ever truly happened to me. But yesterday, it was so powerful, personal, and poignant (those could be the three points of a sermon—bonus for alliteration!) that I was in tears. Some may call it coincidence that I chose this church to attend on this Sunday at this time and heard this message, but I call it divine.

He talked about forgiveness. He is in the middle of a series on The Lord's Prayer and unpacked verse 12 of Matthew 6: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."

He talked about both sides of forgiveness. First, for the one who feels he is carrying a burden because he has wronged another.

Second, for the one who feels she is carrying a burden because she has been wronged. That's me, I thought.

The concepts are simple, really, the truth is plain: Unforgiveness causes bitterness, resentment, and malice to grow in your heart. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from hurt, anger, and pain as much as it's about extending grace to another. God wants both—freedom for you, and grace for the other.

As the pastor expounded on this passage, I felt my heart open, hungry to hear and receive these simple truths. And the rage simmering right below the surface, the malice threatening to choke me out, the bitterness sour in my mouth, and the gnawing hurt burrowing deeper and deeper in my heart...slowly, I felt a sweet release from it all. This revelation spread like a quiet peace through my soul: I have a choice to forgive, and regardless of the choices others make, I can walk above the anger and pain and malice in grace and forgiveness and peace. This doesn't mean I allow others to continue to take advantage of me or ignore their toxicity in my life, but it does mean—as so very difficult as it is—that I allow myself to forgive.

I know forgiveness is incredibly foundational to faith. But for me, that's the beauty of Christ: seemingly simple truths that are life-changingly profound. Yesterday, today, and forever.

Farewell, Facebook

I'm on Day 11 of a little Facebook break. I never had a "goal date" in mind, but I'm tentatively planning on six weeks. It might extend into more, or I may cut it short. We'll see.

Yesterday I "cheated." Since I stopped logging on to my account, I've received two emails from Facebook alerting me to a slew of notifications and a flourish of activity that I am "missing." It's like the Facebook gods are trying to convince me that my world isn't complete without knowing what John Doe thinks about Romney's VP selection, or what Jane Smith's baby bump looks like six months (excuse me, 24 weeks) in. So while laying in bed last night, I decided to clear my notifications to get Zuckerberg's crones off my back. And naturally, I didn't stop there. I spent a couple of minutes scrolling through my Facebook feed on my phone. (Next I need to take a break from that damn smartphone.)

Although I felt a little guilty after indulging my curiousity, I'm glad I did. I've learned a lot about myself, my friendships, and my social life from the past 11 days coupled with that brief re-encounter with "The Facebook."

I don't miss it. I thought I would have "Facebook withdrawals" and experience very intense urges every day to log on. So far, I have not. In fact, at times I've actually forgotten that Facebook exists. How liberating! 

The world goes on. It really does. You can survive, and even thrive, in a Facebook-free world. And a lot more people do than you think.

It's not real. The status updates, pictures, and postcards (those are the worst) do not a true life make. People choose their online identity by these posts, and often their Facebook persona is not their real self.

If it's that important, I'll find out eventually. Last night my activity stream told me that one of my favorite people from college is 16 weeks pregnant. I was thrilled for her. And a little sad that I didn't know this exciting news on Monday morning at 9 a.m. when she alerted the rest of her social network. But I realized that I would eventually have found out. One of my other college friends would have shared the news with me in a real conversation, in a natural environment. Like we did in 2004.

It feeds false perceptions and unhealthy anxiety. If I don't know about your latest beach trip with your friends, then I don't know. If I do know because Facebook is telling me so, I might a) feel rejected and neglected because I wasn't invited, b) feel depressed because I have no vacations coming up and will be sitting behind a desk for the foreseeable future, and/or c) feel jealous of your life, relationships, and model bikini body as portrayed by your mobile uploads.

My real relationships remain strong. I  have talked to one of my best friends every day on the phone since my Facebook "fast." I have also talked to both of my parents more the past 11 days than I have in years, probably. This could be due to a number of different factors, but I have realized that I will stay closely connected to the people in my life who really matter. In fact, our interactions will probably grow even more meaningful as we share our daily happenings, discuss our political opinions, and disclose our ongoing emotions through frequent texts, regular emails and calls, and occasional visits.

So a Facebook-free life is a good life. And please hear me - I am not judging anyone who is a Facebook fanatic. I have no intention of swearing off the social network forever. But just like the periodic sugar or booze fast, this Facebook break has been so cleansing for me.

Oh, and if you get engaged, find out you're pregnant, or score a new job, please let me know asap. ;)

On Self Investments and Irish Car Bombs

What is something you've always wanted to do, but never have? Go sky diving? Take a Mediterranean cruise? Apply for the next season of The Bachelorette? (I don't judge.) What about the smaller stuff - the day-to-day? What is something that you could feasibly do to treat yourself today? Or this weekend, even? You know, like chug an Irish car bomb.

My counselor asked me this question yesterday. She charged me to really live the day-to-day. She said that whenever I am consumed with anxiety or obsessive thoughts, whenever I compusively worry about someome else or things I cannot control, to instead think about what I'm going to do to treat myself, today. I think we could all take advantage of this advice.

So I thought about it on my drive home from work. What's one thing I've always wanted to do, but never have? One of my first thoughts: I want an Irish car bomb! I don't know if it's because I'd had a long and stressful day, or because I was thinking about those four months I spent in Ireland, or because I have a drinking problem (kidding, Mom). But for some reason, while cruising south on 395, I determined that soon I'll redeem my tame and sheltered college years and try this intriguing concoction for myself. I'll probably hate it. But that's ok.

I decided chugging booze on a Monday night was probably not what my counselor had in mind, so instead I went home and "treated myself" to an episode of The Bachelor Pad, which is probably just as destructive to my insides.

Today I'm buying a new whole grain - like amaranth, farro, or millet - to experiment with in the kitchen. Cooking - and trying new food - makes me simply and sweetly happy.

What about you? What's one thing you can do for yourself - today?

An Ode to Wine

I was looking through my phone pics yesterday and realized that I have quite a few random photos of wine. Clearly, I love the stuff. I drink it regularly. And apparently I like to visually capture my bottles and glasses...and kitchen counter.

Red, white, (dry) rose', bubbly - I love it all. And I'd like to think I'm more than just a wino. I honestly enjoy learning about wine. Kevin Zraly's Windows on the World is perched on my coffee table. I jump at any opportunity to visit a winery or try a new label. Tannins, residual sugar, oak or steel...I'm into it. This interest is due in part to my dad, a self-educated wine geek with a contagious zeal for the nectar of the gods. I still remember the first time we visited a winery during one of my parents' trips to Northern Va. Dad sprung for the reserve tasting and we spent 45 minutes in the cellar with the "wine bitch" (I wasn't the one who came up with that nickname). By (large) tasting #6, my mom was getting giggly and chatty, much to the chagrin of the WB. Meanwhile, my dad was listening intently, hanging on to every word, asking detailed questions (and evoking an eyeroll or two from Lo). When I think back on memories like this, I realize that some of the best times in my life involve a glass (or bottle) of wine shared with dear family and friends.

My friend Allie once asked me, "If you could drink only one varietal for the rest of your life, what would it be?" At the time I said Pinot Noir. Today I'd choose Red Zinfandel.

What about you? What's your favorite wine? (Oooh, the first time I'm asking for a comment! Please throw me a bone. :) )

And as far as champagne + Doritos - don't knock it 'til you've tried it.