Living in the Gray

Ten weeks ago I was living in the now. Today I'm living in the gray. Well "now" is "gray," so maybe it's all the same.

I grew up seeing the world in black and white. Maybe all kids do, but I think my robust church-going and Bible-reading youth especially instilled in me a comfortable association with rules and the "right and wrong" ways to live. My Type A, perfectionistic personality also contributed to my embracing a life lived inside my own carefully constructed box.

I realized this week that recently I've stepped out of that box, discarded some of my longstanding rules, and said good-bye to the certainty and safety of a black-and-white existence. This has nothing to do with my moral code and little to do with my faith. Instead, it's about how I think about life today and in the future.

Perhaps this is another part of growing up. As a youth, you have this vision of what your life is going to look like, where you'll be in 10 years, what job you'll hold, when you'll get married, at what age you'll have kids, and so forth. But then inevitably you realize those dreams and all of that idealism and your picture-perfect perspective is not real life. And that safe box of predictability and contentment cracks...or shatters.

I think this happens to all of us as we gain life experience and human wisdom. But for me, this box-shattering and black-and-white blending is about accepting that I do not know what the future holds, and coming to terms with the discomfort that creates within me. Some days I'm content with not knowing, not having a plan. Some days I'm so uncomfortable with the absence of certainty that I either obsess or disengage—neither of which are constructive.

I continue to realize how far my people pleasing nature reaches. Not until I allow myself to be influenced by others' opinions or questions do I begin to think that I should feel a particular way, or that I should be charting a a specific course of action. Even if I feel a peace in the process, I am easily swayed by your voice.

And that enrages me about myself.

Because your voice will always be there. But this is my journey, not yours. Your box may be intact, but don't try to fit me within your lines, please. You may have a lot of unanswered questions, appropriate concerns, and well-meaning opinions, but please keep this in mind: I, and I alone, have to answer for my own happiness. I have to chart my own course. To you, it might be simple—it might be black and white.

But me? I'm living in the gray. And I'm OK.

Forgiveness, Part 2

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately.

Recently I wrote a post about it. I believe this was a genuine experience and that I knew real forgiveness in that moment—and beyond. But lately, I've begun to ask new questions and really search my heart.

One question I've considered: Can true forgiveness occur in the absence of change? Can one really forgive another unless that person who wronged her shows remorse and evidence of change? 10 weeks ago, I chose forgiveness without seeing change, knowing if change had or was going to occur, or even understanding how exactly I had been wronged. I simply knew that I was full of anger, hurt, hatred, and bitterness. I knew it was destructive to allow those feelings and emotions to fester. I knew they would choke me out, and I wanted freedom from it all.

So is that "selfish forgiveness?" Did I forgive because I wanted to be free from my own pain, because I hoped that in choosing to surrender my malice, I would move forward toward peace? Maybe I wasn't really loving another person well in that moment, but trying to love myself better? Or maybe both. Perhaps you can't remove one from the other...

Last weekend Joel and I talked about forgiveness. He shared his belief that change is required for real forgiveness to be extended. He thinks often true forgiveness is mistaken for a mere "letting go" of the pain one feels because time and distance eventually bring peace. While I understand his perspective, I (currently) don't agree. I think a person can forgive another without condition. I don't think it's easy by any means, nor do I think it happens often. But I do think it's possible, and I'd like to think that I chose such forgiveness last summer.

However, today I don't feel so free in my forgiveness. Right now something is holding me back from really, truly letting go. Maybe forgiveness, like love, is an ongoing choice—an action that you choose to walk out on a daily basis, rather than a momentary feeling, or an epiphany of sorts.

Is anyone out there a forgiveness guru? :) Or just have some experience or insight to contribute? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

The 18th Mile

I feel like I'm running a marathon. And I'm (slowly) passing the 18th mile marker.

I used to roll my eyes when people would talk about "trials and tribulations" (usually in religious circles), as if life were so difficult and unbearable. I would think, "Buck up! It's really not that bad. Get over it. Life is grand! Be positive...blah, blah blah." Clearly I had never faced a real trial of any kind.

I've always been generally aware of how good my life has been, of how easy a road I've traveled through my 28 years. I used to think that I was due for a circumstance or situation to knock me off of my pedestal where I was living high and happy above the masses, with no real cares or concerns or hardships. But I thought that scenario would be something of a physical nature—like cancer or a major car accident (my mind is so optimistic, no?).

Well recently my life took a turn, and I fell flat on my face at the bottom of the damn pedestal. I'm happy to say that my cardiovascular and respiratory systems are still intact, although my nervous system has taken quite a beating... 

However, as much as life is hard, life is also very good. Which is why I feel like I'm running a marathon.

The past 3 months have felt like a 26.2-mile trekk to a yet-unseen finish line. I've enjoyed some exteme highs—moments when the endorphins are coursing through my veins, my breathing is steady, I'm mentally in the zone, my body is buzzing with adrenaline, and I feel as if I could run forever. And then there have been some pretty awful lows—times when I'm not sure I can take another step, when every muscle in my body is cramping and my IT band is throbbing, when I feel nauseous and defeated and wonder why the hell I ever started running.

But that's when the endurance kicks in. That's when I muster up the little strength I have left, tap into the encouragement from those slogging beside me and the energy of those cheering from the sidelines, and ultimately, seek the source of divine strength to keep...on...running.

So. I think I'm at mile 18. I'm getting quite tired. And I'm realizing there's a good chunk of this race left to go, which makes me feel even more exhausted mentally. But I'm over halfway there...in fact, I'm almost three-quarters of the way to the finish line. I'm just not sure what's waiting for me on the other side...

I'll let you know once I get there.

The Art of the Walk

Running is my first love. Has been since I was a freshman in high school who ran the 1600-meter track event and finished in last place every single meet. (To this day being on an outdoor track evokes feelings of pure dread.) So while I quickly realized 14 years ago that speed isn't my thing (have you seen the length of my legs?) I discovered that this little body can keep moving for a while. And that's where I thrive—in the distance.

While running will always have my heart, lately I've discovered a newfound appreciation for the art of the walk. I used to view walking as an activity for the elderly, the injured, or the breast cancer aware. But these days I've enjoyed walking for walking's sake. I may not be working up a sweat or burning a maximum amount of calories or feeling that pure euphoria that running provides, but walking has a few perks that running—and most other forms of exercise—do not.

1. Real reflection. I have used many a run to pray and think and talk to myself (and even scream and cry), but I have yet to master steadfast and deep reflection while on a run. For me, running allows a spurt of ephiphanies, quick revelations, and bursts of cognitive and emotional release. On the other hand, walking provides the space to relax my mind. I can practice deep breathing. I can release pent-up energy and anxiety through movement while simultaneously exploring the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing in that moment. There are no breaks in my meditative flow because of a particularly steep hill, belabored breathing, or a cramp in my piriformis (seriously, what is with that?) After most walks, I find myself dashing to my journal to record the fruit of my reflections.

2. Sensory engagement. I like to think that I'm very in tune with my senses. I've been told that I have a keen sense of smell (not always a good thing). Eating is one of my favorite things to do (really). I relish in the beauty of nature and the sights and sounds it spins. And touch is my love language (hold me!). I find that walking engages each of my senses separately, yet simultaneously. I can focus on breathing in the crisp fall air and listening to the leaves crunch under my feet. I can feel the sun shining on my face and hear the children playing down the street. And I can taste the pumpkin bread waiting for me on my kitchen counter (OK, that was a stretch). But there truly is something spiritual that happens to me when I walk and allow my senses to soar.

3. Social time. Last weekend I went on two walks that were especially meaningful. The first was with my dad, and the second with my parents and brother. Conversation flourished. Laughs ensued. Questions were asked and thoughts provoked. To me, regular physical movement is essential for a positive mood, productivity, and overall well-being. I am also a social person and thrive when spending quality time with the people I love (and like). So put those two together, and I am at my best.

Maybe I'm just getting older and lame. Or maybe I'm getting older and wiser. (Or maybe both.) But I'm not a walking hater anymore. It has its place, and lately it's been very good to me.

Living in the Now

Three years ago I wrote this post.

Yesterday I took the same walk to the same marina, sat on the same dock, and looked at the same trees. In a few weeks their leaves will be a rainbow of reds, oranges, and yellows.

While I have fond memories of that young 25-year-old version of me, she seems a little unfamiliar now, and very distant. She's naive and innocent, trusting and full of anticipation.

One thing I've been learning lately is how to live in the present. I'm a planner, and deft at trying to control my future. I'm also given to frequent bouts of nostalgia for the good times had. But this month, instead of fixating on the past or worrying about the future, I'm going to live in the now. I'm going to take life one day at a time, and give each day my all. I'm going to enjoy the people I see, the places I go, and the happenings I experience today. (For once) I'm not planning ahead, and I'm committing to very little that will occur beyond this week. I'm not thinking about Thanksgiving or Christmas...hell, I'm not even concerned with Halloween. The holidays will come - and go - in their time.

This is not an easy way for me to live, but I'm finding greater freedom in this perspective. I'm focusing on personal growth, which requires me to create space in new ways. I'm learning to say no, to unapologetically speak my mind, and to be nothing less than honest.

So today is new, and I am different, and that is OK. In fact, it's good. One thing that hasn't changed, however, is my life's purpose, which I realized has remained the same regardless of the year or season or month. This goal has guided my yesterdays, will lead my tomorrows, and is my reason for living today. As 25-year-old me said years ago:

"I realized that my purpose in this ever-changing life is to simply join Him in glorifying Himself. To love Him and love others with wild abandon. THAT feels so fulfilling, so satisfying, so right."

What I'm Learning Lately

Life looks and feels much better after a good night's sleep. (Conversely, everything looks and feels much worse after a scant two hours of sleep.)

Sunshine makes everything better, too.

Oh, and a little diphenhydramine never hurt anyone.

I actually have the ability to lose my appetite. (I used to think my love for food would never allow this phenomenon.)

But farro is still so yummy. It's the "new quinoa"...at least in my pantry.

I can make decisions...and stick with them.

Having a job to go to every day is a sweet, welcome blessing. Having a job that I enjoy is a bonus.

Post-Labor Day traffic in Northern Virginia is the worst. (Where did all of these people come from?)

Facebook is evil.

I love to run. It is my sanity.

My parents are the best. Their love for me is as Christlike as mortal love can be.

Scripture is my daily bread. (Psalms 27, 29, and 30 are current meditations.)

This too shall pass.

God is worthy of my praise always, regardless of my circumstances or feelings.

He makes beautiful things out of the dust. He makes beautiful things out of us.

What are you learning lately?

On Doing What I Want

Some people have no problem saying "no." Or saying "yes." They do what they want.

Some people can't say "no." Or they say what they think others want them to say, and then back out at the last minute because they're overcommitted. I've fallen into this category before.

Some people weigh every decision they have to make with the utmost care, afraid to make a choice that will offend or anger someone, but very aware of their true feelings on the matter, which (often) may directly oppose the assumed expectations of the other(s). I fall into this category every day of my life. Welcome to my head; it's a scary place to be.

It's no secret that I'm a people pleaser. Always have been, always will be. I'm also a perfectionist. In kindergarten I still remember an incorrectly circled picture on a worksheet—the only answer I got wrong all year. Yes, I'm aware that I have "issues."

And I'm controlling, but this is something I'm working on. (I believe people can change, and I've seen some measurable progress in myself in this area.) My favorite person to control is me. I'm fantastic at controlling what I eat and drink, how much I exercise, and how meticulously clean I keep my house. The problem is, it takes a lot of mental and physical energy and time to be controlling. So when people pose requests that don't fit within my well-planned weekly routine or perfectly crafted daily schedule, an internal dialogue ensues in which I must decide between saying "yes" to my own carefully calculated desires, comforts, and needs or saying "yes" to the other person whom I so desperately want to please. (Again, welcome to my head.)

(I realize that if I have children, I will receive a crash course on letting go of personal control. Hopefully I will not project said control onto my kids. But let's be honest, they'll probably be in therapy for years.)

Usually I maintain a decent balance of doing what other people ask/expect of me, and doing what I want. Sometimes I ignore what I want in place of pleasing others. Rarely do I say "no" to someone in lieu of making myself happy...until recently.

Lately, I've felt like doing whatever the hell I want. And I'm not caring what others think—as much. It's a weird feeling, I must admit. A new phenomenon. And I think I'm gonna roll with it for now...

No, I don't want to go to the movies with you, even though that would make you happy. Instead, I want to sit on my couch with a glass of wine and read my Marian Keyes novel. No, I don't want to run that race for the third year in a row. I don't care that we'll wear glow-in-the-dark tutus and do post-run tequila shots, or that it will be "such a blast!" No, I can't travel out of town that weekend. It just won't work for me, my impending freelance project deadline, or my wallet.

Maybe I'm merely feeling a bit antisocial these days, and this mood shall pass. Maybe I'm making wise choices and protecting my time, my finances, and my "margins." Maybe these are all just lame cop-outs, and I really need to get out of my comfort zone, stop being self-indulgent, and start saying "yes." But for now, I really don't care. I'm gonna do what I want and will try not to make excuses.