Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Life is Hard

I was with my mom this past weekend, driving to visit Gam, my grandma. I said, after an anxiety-stricken deep breath, "Life is hard."

She answered: "Yes. Yes it is. I was thinking recently about how inadequately parents prepare their children for this reality. Because life is hard."

The truth is, even as terribly hard as my life is right now, even as I struggle and ache and hurt and grieve and question and wonder and doubt and fear, even as my anxiety levels threaten to consume me and my nerves feel frayed to a point of no return, even as exhaustion - whole-person exhaustion - has become a way of existing, life is still good. I have friends who would do anthing for me. Who text and call and email and ask the tough questions because they really, truly love me. I have a family that is not just beside me, but holding me up, lifting my arms, supporting my head, being the proverbial shoulder to lean - and cry - on.

I have a job that I like to get up in the morning to do, that provides above and beyond what I need to survive. I have health, and hobbies that promote health: a love for exercise and desire to cook nutritious, comforting food. I have a house that I love, that makes me feel safe and warm (or cool), that enables home-cooked meals, book-reading and wine-drinking, and sweet nights of sleep.

And I have a faith...a faith in a God who is bigger than I am. Who feels distant at times, whom I may drift from quite often, whom I doubt and question and don't really get. But who makes me feel hopeful, who makes me feel whole. Who really does provide peace that passes understanding. Last night that peace was more than enough to soothe my nerves, to calm my soul, to lull me to sleep...and I didn't even need a Xanax.

Yes, life is hard. But life is so, so good.


Victoria Mason said...

So glad to have you back! And I love that last paragraph. We are here for you. Love you.

Allison said...

I'm so glad you're writing again! You have a gift with words. I love you, friend!